Thursday, April 22, 2010

"Alaska Is Inflammable"

(I was in Sam's dare... so...)

"Alaska Is Inflammable"
by Ash Lomen

"Woo Hoo, winter is here again..."

~ Jeffrey Lewis

Chapter 1 - So Lonesome I Could Cry

There was once a girl who lived deep in the snowy wastes of Alaska named Sam, for the most part Sam was a normal girl, into the intricacies of Micronesian politics and edible cowboy hats… but she also had a strange deformity that set her apart from all other young women. In place of the dainty hands her genetics had promised her, Sam had horse hooves. Clydesdale hooves to be exact.

Sam had been featured on many a TV special and written about in over 200 medical journals, of course none of this had helped her win over any dates in high school. All the cute boys made crude jokes about "hoovejobs" and all the nerdy boys cared more about her as a science project than an atrictive young woman.

Needless to say, Sam was very lonely.

Chapter 2 - Why Don’t We Do It In The Road

One day, while roaming a stretch of highway just barley visible beneath the constant snowfall a dark-skined man in a black leather jacket appeared out of nowhere and begin speaking Italian to her. The man was very handsome and didn’t seem to notice Sam’s hooves (which she no longer bothered hiding behind her back when approached by strangers). The only word she could make out from his foreign babbling, being an avid fan of The Sopranos, was “Moolie”.

So what if this guy was a little racist, he seemed to be flirting with her, and after all, she could always lecture him after she came. She did something that surprised the hell out of even herself; she wrapped her hooves around his neck and kissed him.

They made love in the middle of the road on a soft blanket of virgin snow.

Chapter 3 - Love, Love, Love

It turned out the Italian gentleman’s name was Luco, and he enjoyed the intricacies of Micronesian politics and edible underwear. Everything seemed to be working out brilliantly for Sam. The man wasn’t even a racist, he simply had an affinity for Eggplant Parmesan, which Sam cooked up for him with great joy.

He never mentioned her hooves. He kissed and licked them like any lover would kiss a partner’s hands during sex, and he put his tick calloused palm atop them in to comfort when she fretted like any good boyfriend would. But he never brought them up in conversation.

Then again, Luco didn’t speak a word of English.

Chapter 4 – Blow Up The Outside World

Everything was going so well… until Luco asked Sam to scale the peek of Mount Rothbale with him. He conveyed the message with a series of fanatic hand gestures, and a topographical map of central Alaska they had been rolling joints on.

Sam would follow Luco to the peaks of hell.

And so they climbed Mt. Rothbale together, hand in hoof.

Chapter 5 – Trick Mirror

When they reached the summit Luco looked at Sam with tears in his eyes, kissed her and turned.

His last words were spoken in perfect, unbroken English, “I know what you are.”

He blew her one last kiss and skydove from the summit.

Chapter 7 – Pardon Me While I Burn

The skin near Sam’s hooves began to peel back, reveling raw tissue and surprisingly inhuman musculature. She shed her pale skin like a snake, kicked off her feet to reveal cloven hooves, and screamed at the sun with a forked tongue as horns sprouted from her head.

The Sun went out like an overburdened light bulb… and all the snow around Sam began nonsensically to melt.

She felt alive for the very first time in her life.

Chapter 8 – If This Is Hell, Then I’m Lucky

Mt. Rothbale grew like a ripe pimple on the surface of the earth, pulsing up to the size of Manhattan, and eventually to the size of the entire state of New York. Hot lava flowed and destroyed most of Northeastern Canada… it dripped down the Rockies and across Mexico, never losing its heat… and set the entire New World aflame.


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