"Love in Ruins"
by Sam Reeve
“But you said you were interested in polar bear swimming, right?” Ash says.
“This really is not what I had in mind when I said we should go to the beach some time,” Sarah whines. She is shivering in her bikini, ankle deep in the Pacific Ocean. Goose bumps are crawling up her legs and making her tiny leg-hairs stand on end.
“Yeah...but not for our second date. It’s hardly romantic!”
Ash doesn’t really understand where she’s going with this, so he grabs her and pulls her into the cold water. She screams and flails about, continually complaining about being cold as ice. This makes Ash smile.
“Oh god dammit, I’m cold as a corpse! This date is shit,” she cries.
Ash gets an instant boner at the mention of corpse.
He pulls her onto the sand and starts to make out with Sarah. He’s very inexperienced, and starts to lick her face. She whines about that too. Then he tells her to lie very still, which makes her a bit suspicious.
“Let’s just look up at the stars for a bit,” Sarah says, pushing Ash off of her.
“But there are no stars out tonight. The forecast said it would be cloudy all week.”
“No, look there,” she points. “There are some clouds moving out of the way.”
Ash looks up in horror to see the stars and moon revealing themselves. He thought the full-moon was going to be the next day. He realizes it’s happening now!
“Oh, see, now this is romantic! There’s even a full-moon. Look Ash,” she points and turns to him. She screams, seeing that he is now a giant fucking shark!
Wereshark Ash eats his girlfriend’s head, and then wriggles into the ocean. He cries big shark tears into the ocean, and swims around eating things. Octopi are his favourite aquatic comfort food.
“Dammit, not again,” he thinks.
The next day Ash wakes up on the beach covered in slime and sea weed. He is also naked. About a hundred feet away is the body of Sarah, only without the head. If it weren’t for having a private beach area for his beach-house, Ash would be screwed. Despondently, Ash screws Sarah’s dead body on the beach while crying. Then he goes to eat some breakfast inside.
Weeks later, while masturbating to pictures of dead people on the internet, Ash notices a flashing advertisement that urges him to donate money to help people recover somewhere from a natural disaster or something. He thinks for a minute about all those poor people stuck inside fallen down houses and all the dead people...and then the idea hits him.
The next full moon, wereshark Ash swims as fast and hard as he can, heading for the disaster area, which is conveniently a small island. On the way he eats some teenaged night-swimmers and an old lady who is walking her dog on the beach. He leaves the dog.
The next day, once back in man-form, Ash sets out into the ruined capital city to find his next “date”. There is so much to choose from when he arrives that he doesn’t know what to do.
“It’s like a free buffet,” Ash whispers to himself with a joyful tear in his eye. Then he gets going on the bodies.
First, sneaking into a ruined stone church, Ash finds some crushed nuns. They’ve been slightly mangled by the falling stones caused by the earthquake, but this does not deter him. Keeping an eye out for relief workers, he makes sweet love to those dead nuns. Just as he’s screwing the last of the dead nuns, she opens her eyes. Apparently she is only severely injured, but still alive. This freaks out Ash, so he punches her in the head to kill her. It does the trick.
Over the course of the next three days, Ash screws more dead bodies than he can handle. He falls asleep each night with a large grin on his face, dreaming about all the bodies he would find the next day.
On the fourth day, Ash moves on to a smaller city near the one he had started out in. The first building he happens upon is a destroyed office building. Ash’s eyes glisten when he thinks of the sexy dead secretaries there must be in the ruins. Further down the road is a Red Cross truck and tent, around which are milling nurses and injured people. They seem to be ignoring this building.
Going around the back, Ash notices there is part of the office building that is still standing. He climbs in through the shattered window of what seems to be the only office left standing. In the corner of the room is a nurse in a Red Cross uniform. Ash was not expecting anyone to be in the building, but he instantly knows why she is there.
The nurse is straddling the corpse of some dead guy in a suit. His face is all puffy from decomposition, and the nurse is riding his dead body while slapping him and telling him he’s a bad boy.
The nurse, whose name tag says Joanne, screams and stands up when she sees that someone has caught her. Being a suave gentleman who knows what the ladies want, Ash decides to be spontaneous.
He rushes over to Joanne and gets on one knee. “Will you marry me?” he asks, smiling up at her with his nasty, yellow teeth (he never brought a tooth brush and has been away from home for five days).
The nurse looks baffled, and is totally speechless. She nods her head “yes”, understanding the situation somehow.
“I never thought there was someone out there...” Ash trails off, looking deep into Joanne’s eyes.
Joanne smiles, and grabs Ash’s hand. She leads him to the other side of the room, where there’s a bunch of furniture and junk that fell through the ceiling.
“Behind the filing cabinet is a dead secretary,” Joanne says, pointing. At this, Ash knew she was definitely the one.
Ash joins the Red Cross as a volunteer, and travels with Joanne around the country for the next month. She finds out about his weresharkism when he eats another volunteer on the beach during the full-moon. It frightens her, but the next morning while Ash is weeping naked on the beach, she comforts him by saying she accepts him anyway.
When they get back to America the two of them get married, and Joanne manages to get Ash a full-time position with the Red Cross. Ash and Joanne travel around the world together, saving disaster victims and defiling the corpses, and live happily for the rest of their days.